The Burns That Stole Christmas
by Btroupe
Summary: A retelling of Dr. Suess How the Grinch Stole Christmas


Every Springfielder down in Springfield loved Christmas alot...

But Mr. Burns, owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, DID NOT!

Mr. Burns hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that he was too rich or his clothes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his heart or his clothes, he stood staring down from his office with a sour, hateful frown as the people of Springfield prepared for the holidays.

"Tomorrow is Christmas!" Mr. Burns snarled. "It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his cold fingers nervously drumming.

"I MUST find a way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For tomorrow, he knew, all the girls and boys, would wake up bright and early.

They'd rush for their toys! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated!

The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the people, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would feast on pumpkin pie and roast beef. Which was something Mr. Burns couldn't stand in the least! And then they'd do something he hated most of all! Every child in Springfield would stand close together, hand-in-hand, and would start singing! They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more Mr. Burns thought of this Christmas, the more he thought, "I must stop this whole thing! Why for ninety-three years I've put up with it now! I must stop Christmas from coming! But how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

Mr. Burns got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Mr. Burns laughed in his throat.

He raced back to his mansion, where he made a quick Santa Claus hat and coat.

"Excellent" he clucked. "With this coat and hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"

"Now all I need are some reindeer..." Mr. Burns looked around, but since reindeer are scarce, there was nothing to be found.

But did that stop old Mr. Burns? No! Mr. Burns simply said, "If I can't find any reindeer, I'll make some instead!"

So he called over his hounds. Then he took some black thread, and he tied some big horns on the top of their heads. Then he loaded some bags and old empty sacks on a ramshackle sleigh and hitched up the hounds.

Then Mr. Burns said, "Mush!" and the sleigh started foward toward the homes where the people lay asnooze in their beds.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the children were dreaming sweet dreams without care, when he came to the Simpson house on Evergreen Terrace.

"This is stop number one," Mr. Burns growled.

As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist, he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch. But, if Santa could do it, then so could Mr Burns. He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue, where the little stockings all hung in a row.

"These stockings" he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, around the whole room, and he took every present! Fishing poles! Bicycles! Comics! BB Guns! Basketballs! Roller Skates! Popcorn! And gaming systems!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then Mr. Burns, very nimbly, stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the refridgerator. He took the Simpson's feast! He took the pumpkin pie! He took the roast beef! He cleaned out that fridge as quick as a flash. Why, he even took Homer's last can of Duff beer! Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned Mr. Burns, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And Mr. Burns grabbed the tree, and started to shove, when he heard a small sound. He turned around and saw little Lisa Simpson, who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water. She stared at Mr. Burns and said, "Santa, why are you taking our Christmas tree?"

But Mr. Burns was so smart and so slick, he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, you sweet little girl," the fake Santa Claus lied, "There's a light on your tree that won't light on one side, so I'm taking it home to my nuclear... I mean, workshop, so I can fix it up there and bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head, got her a drink, and sent her off to bed.

And when Lisa went to bed with her cup, HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up! Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!

Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar. On their walls, he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house, was a crumb that was even too small for Santa's Little Helper. Then he did the same thing to the other houses, leaving crumbs much too small for the other Springfielders pets!

It was a quarter past dawn... All the Springfielders still a-bed, all the Springfielders, still asnooze when he packed up his sled, packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Springfield, he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

"I DID IT!" Mr. Burns said in a Grinchy-like tone. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!" "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!" "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the children down in Springfield will all cry BooHoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned Mr. Burns, "that I simply MUST hear!" So he paused. And Mr. Burns put his hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow. But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Springfield! Mr. Burns popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! All the children in Springfield were singing! Without any presents at all! He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same! And Mr. Burns, with his feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling: "How can this be?"

"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!"

"It came without packages, boxes, or bags!"

And he puzzled for three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then Mr. Burns thought of something he hadn't thought before!

"Maybe Christmas," he said, "doesn't come from a store." "Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then? Well...in Springfield they say, that Mr. Burns' heart grew three sizes that day! And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light, and he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!

And he, HE HIMSELF! Mr. Burns carved the roast beef!


End file.
